I feel like a loser for using it. But hopefully by now I’ve proven myself enough for you to let it slide.

So hook-ups this, hook-ups that, I hooked up with her, she hooked up with him, everyone throws these phrases around but I think there is quite a bit of confusion as to what the phrase actually means.

The more conservative tend to take it to mean merely kissing, while the wilder ones may let the phrase stand for a lot more. Let’s say, for example, that you and 5 of your friends are sitting around and (respectfully of course) talking about a girl that two or more of you have “hooked up” with. Now since this girl was very attractive, you boast that you hooked up with her. The masses applaud. Then all of the sudden your jabroni of a friend shouts out, “I hooked up with her twice!” So the masses applaud double. Now you know full well that you had this girl in your bed for a whole night, while the jabroni just had a few smooching sessions with her against a wall at a bar for a combined time total of 30 minutes. Is it fair of him to be able to claim that he accomplished twice what you accomplished? Absolutely not. But he should get some credit for his good deeds.

So I, as a public service, have come up with a pretty solid definition of “hooked up” that I would like to see used. I’ll state it from a man’s point of view.

To be able to say, “I hooked up with her,” the episode of intimacy can’t have been in the presence of strangers and there must have been a piece of furniture involved. A bed, a couch, a chair, a futon whatever. If either of these two rules is violated, then the phrase alone is not enough. Something needs to be added for clarification such as, “I hooked up with her on the dancefloor at Second Nature” or “I hooked up with her in the bathroom of the nightclub in Jamaica.” And it had to have lasted for at least 10 minutes. On a good day I might let 9 slide, but don’t count on it.

So now, armed with our new rules, let’s revisit the above scenario. You boasted correctly, that you hooked up with this girl and the masses applauded. But now your friend will have to edit his statement. Now he’ll more accurately say, “I hooked up with her twice in a booth at Doc Holliday’s.” So now instead of the masses giving your friends double the props that they gave you, now they’ll give him a little less, because they know full well that you accomplished much more.

But now what if both contestants had this girl in bed for a night, and are fighting for who should get more props? Well now you can take into consideration how long it took each guy to rid this unsuspecting female of all but her birthday suit, and then what happened after that, but those topics are for another day.

For now just take the definition I provided with you wherever you go. It will make bragging amongst your friends much less ambiguous and much more enjoyable. Oh yea, and one more thing. Along with remembering that definition, remember THESE for the summertime.

Stud On,
Anthony D