I am one of the handfuls of people who
never saw Fast and the Furious all the way through. I
have a myriad of complex reasons noting why, but suffice
it to say, I do not find decking out Mitsubishis and ’95
Mustangs in fiberglass and spoilers cool. Scion feels
however, that you not only need seven hundred and forty
six variants of the same boxy clown car, but also attachments
for said clown car; spoilers and do-dads to adorn one’s
attempt at capturing a youth barely forgotten.
Am I the only person to see the folly in this? Why must
a car have a huge fin and boss ass graphics? It looks
cool? Bah! It is the same phenomenon as men in large trucks,
Penis insecurity. Yes that’s right if a guy’s
car sits .000078mm to the ground and has a thirty spoilers
and is painted metallic antelope fire mist, then they
undeniably have small wangs.
You can’t disagree with science!
In 1944 the German Automobildummheitministerium, did a
study revolving around the Italians and their then current
fad of painting moons and stars on their cars. The six
thousand-page document stated that this cosmic jackassery
was congruent with “less than average penis length
and breadth.” There you have it! You can’t
argue with the Germans! They gave us ICBM’s and
the modern machine gun!
So when you are sitting at a stoplight
eating your 7-11 hotdog trying not to get the chili onto
your one good pair of Dockers and a car sputters up blaring
uniformed techno with a muffler the size of a dogs’
head and painted baby shit green, know that even though
they have a hot Asian chick with loose morals in the passenger
seat, they are rolling with a stack of dimes, that’s
right I’m talking about DOWNTOWN
Go ahead and heft your boys and smile
as you click on your tape deck and let loose some Velvet
Revolver to the disdain of Mr. Fancy Car. So what if you’re
a computer technician? So what if you are rolling a Chevy
Celebrity driven by your grandmother that you paid a thousand
dollars for? You only took it cause it has low miles and
good fuel economy. Does that make you a dick? Hell no!
Your Grams was there after that unpleasantness with Sara
and the $400 mistake. She is seventy years old, that’s
almost eighty! You know after her WAC pension got cut
and Pop died she only had six hundred dollars social security
per month. The woman has her insulin and arthritis medication
to worry about!
How dare that fuck next you, inching forward
only to roll back. He assumes only he can drive a standard
transmission? He thinks he is so goddamn cool with his
Oakley sticker and some speaker company you’ve never
heard of. Does that make him better than you? Hmm? So
what if it’s wile since you got laid? It’s
not like you couldn’t if you wanted, but you’re
so busy with work and that novel you’ve been writing
for seven years. Just go home fella; you don’t need
this stress. Let that guy go to his parties and random
hot sex. Just go to store, pick up some cat food and sit
back with a case of Budweiser tall boys and watch some
porn. You deserve it, because you don’t drive a
Scion.
And once again I am out.
War is peace
Freedom is slavery
Ignorance is strength
|
