to Prevent Child Abuse America. When
I lost, so did they, and they're a much worthier cause
than I am so I don't feel entirely bad.
Only one of us said Jackson would be cleared
of all charges. The rest of us assumed that the American
justice system, albeit flawed, wasn't made up of total
idiots. I understand the doubt cast on the case, but we
all said the same thing - he gave the kid alcohol, we
all know that. At least he'd be charged with that, right?
Sure, we've all had someone older give
us alcohol at one point. My aunt switched my water for
vodka when I was 12 and laughed as I took a sip of burning.
But this is a man giving wine to a kid he's sleeping next
to and calling it Jesus Juice. If that's not against the
law, can we make sure it is from now on?
In 1987, a minor league catcher brought
a potato with him to the field. With a runner on third,
he threw the peeled spud into left field as if it were
the ball. The runner trotted home, only to be tagged out
by that same catcher, still holding the real baseball.
From then on, there were strict rules about bringing foreign
objects, specifically produce, onto the field.
In the same vein, a jury may have just
ruled that Michael Jackson didn't break any laws. But
it's our job as a country with a re-writable law-code
to add a few new laws in case it happens again.
One, if a grown man who owns a monkey
sleeps in the same bed as anyone not related to them or
said monkey, it will be assumed the activity was not platonic.
Loopholes include the monkey's trainer when the monkey
is frightened during a thunderstorm.
Two, you can not have so much plastic
surgery that your face no longer resembles a face. If
you break this law, sentencing includes getting a tattoo
of a face-looking face on your face to hide your non-face
looking face.
Three, you may only have as many exotic
animals as gold records. When you stop producing gold
records, you must stop purchasing llamas.
Four, you may not name your land. We are
each given an address by the US Postal service and that
is the extent of it. It is considered first-degree naming
your land when you name it after a place full of magical
creatures. These names include but are not limited to
"Neverland," "Narnia," and "Dennis
Rodman's Bedroom."
Five, you may not call Michael Jackson
"Jacko" for no reason other than the rhyming
possibilities. I'm looking at you, New York Post.
Six, you may not obscure your baby's face
with a mask and dangle him over a balcony, or name your
baby after a household item. This law does not apply when
you are saving your baby from a grease fire and he happens
to be named Matt.
And seven, you may never, under any circumstances,
let your kid meet Michael Jackson. You may not play Michael's
music for your kids, you may not let them hear about Michael
Jackson on Court TV. You may not play Rockwell's "Somebody's
Watching Me" because Michael does the backup vocals,
and you may not show them Jackson's "Captain EO"
(although that'd be good advice even without this scandal).
If you willingly allow your child to come into contact
with anything Michael, and any laws are subsequently broken,
it is your freaking fault. You can't sue, you can't take
it to the media, and you can't ever visit your child again.
Because if you let that happen after all this, you are
celebrity crazed idiot and need to be stopped.
If you disagree with the verdict like
me, which you certainly ought to, go to Preventchildabuse.org
and donate that $5 you would have spent in your office
pool. And I don't care how good his music is, stop listening.
This whole scandal actually increased his record sales.
Including albums that contain "Smooth Criminal,"
"You Are Not Alone," and, "Don't Stop Til
You Get Enough." Ew.
I'm awfully glad that America was so outraged
about half of Janet Jackson's breast exposed for two seconds
on television. She's the real problem in that family.
Steve Hofstetter is the author of the
Student Body Shots books, which are available at SteveHofstetter.com.
E-mail him at steve@stevehofstetter.com.
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