VH1 is more important to me than our
friendship. I say it's because things at work have been
busy, but I spend most of my day in the office sending
email. The rest of my day is spent complaining about people
who send me form letters. Oh, the irony is delicious!
Most importantly, I'm doing way better
than you. That's why I'm sending this. Were I out of work
and living in my uncle's garage, I would not tell you.
I'm emailing you because my job and my car and my kids
and my stuff is all nicer than yours, and that you should
be so happy for me that I've become better than you. I
also went on a long and expensive trip recently, to a
place that is better than anywhere you've ever been. Maybe
if I hadn't spent two months traveling, I'd have had time
to write you a personal note. Though I did manage to watch
a lot of VH1 while I was there. Did you know they get
VH1 in Europe?
I just got a promotion. I don't know why
because (as we already
discussed) I am a terrible employee. But my boss thinks
I'm working all the time because I stare at my screen
a lot. I stay later than him, too. I send a lot of email.
I am also in love. You know how you woke
up alone this morning? I didn't! I woke up in the arms
of a beautiful person that I am totally in love with.
In fact, it's your ex! That's right, now she's in love
with me instead of you. Don't feel bad, she never really
loved you. She just said she did so she could get half
your stuff. By the way, I am making great use of half
your stuff. That's how come my stuff is nicer than your
stuff - because your best stuff IS my stuff! Thanks!
I'd be very happy if you took the time
to reply personally to this. I don't really want to hear
about your life, but I do need validation. A personal
reply would show me that I am important to you, but mainly
that you have less of a full life than I do because you
have the time to send personal emails.
Signed,
Your close friend that cares about you individually only
when it's convenient.
P.S. If you don't want to get these letters
in the future, please let me know. I'll take you off my
mailing list with no questions asked, because it's hard
to ask questions to a dead man you self-important jerk
who thinks he's too good for me. I can't wait to take
the other half of your stuff.
Steve Hofstetter is the author of the
Student Body Shots books, which are available at SteveHofstetter.com.
E-mail him at steve@stevehofstetter.com.
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